written at 1:35am at the Old Shillelagh downtown, over a Bass and a Harp (beers):
so tonight didn’t exactly turn out as planned. then again, was there really any plan at all to it besides take a nap and go to the gym at a certain time? not really. maybe that’s the problem; lack of a plan. i of course didn’t plan to stay asleep for 4 hours instead of work out, and i definitely didn’t plan to wake up and drive downtown and end up at Old Shillelagh writing over a beer at the bar. one thing i realized in my insomnia tonight: it seems like i have to make mistakes on purpose just to hold on to some sense of normalcy. otherwise, i’ve made the right decisions in my life. while lying awake in bed i thought: “why can’t i be more like everyone else and make stupid mistakes?” it’s like i have to do stupid shit on purpose just to feel like a normal person. i wonder why that is.
at that point i got bored of writing, and just wanted to finish my beer and leave. i parked at Greektown Casino, so i had to get my parking validated by walking through the casino. usually they would have you walk all the way to the back and wait in line to have someone punch the card for you, but i was surprised to find they installed machines that do it automatically now. this was the third change i noticed during my time downtown last night; the first two being the roads closed off and the big Starbucks ad that was placed on a building near the parking garage, asking, in big green letters, “was your coffee loved as a bean?”.
anyway, got my parking validated, and managed to blow $200 on blackjack. while playing blackjack i noticed how much cleaner the tables were … last time i was there maybe 3 or 4 months ago there were stains on the blackjack tables, and i think i recall the felt on the tables being green, not blue. so apparently they changed the felt in preparation for the crowds. how nice.
driving home there were more changes: imagine, seeing two cops sitting on the roads, with no bums in sight. can’t be detroit, right?? it sure as hell was surreal. right next to the Gem Theater there was a cop, and just as i turned akwardly turned toward Woodward (near the big fish head and Tiger Stadium), i considered spinning my wheels a bit and releasing a bit of the self-anger i felt (anger because i had started getting reminiscent of someone again). just then, i think i woke up a cop and made eye contact as he sat in his older style DPD police car (you know, the old white ones, not the newer black ones). apparently they mobilized some of the old patrol cars for increased presence in the city.
with that bit of emotional release was squelched, and i continued to think of her, just as i had from the time i went to bed at 12:30am until i decided i needed to go somewhere to cure my insomnia at 1:05am. i’d really love to be more well adjusted socially and be able to move on after a breakup, but for some reason i can’t. i laid there for almost 40 minutes, languishing in thoughts of loneliness, a certain somebody, job dissatisfaction, and just in general hating the world. as i thought back to an interview i saw that day of an American kidnapped in Iraq (now free), “there are people in the world going through much worse than me”.
while thinking about being single and lonely, i remembered something Mary told me after we broke up: “i didn’t think i’d be able to love again after xxxxxx, but then i met you”. and i remember thinking the same of breaking up with her, then meeting Michelle. so … i had to repeat to myself that i’d be fine when i met someone else i was interested in.
back to Detroit. i turned left at Woodward, where i had a flashback of walking with her on the overpass and heard “you probably want to get rid of me” in my head. just then i noticed something amazing: the streets were clean, and the street lights were on! the same corner at Cass and Fisher Freeway Mary and I had gotten in a huge argument at (over me refusing to lock the doors) was empty. no bums in sight. incredible … usually there were at least two shady looking people hanging out in front of the liquor store there, with one or two maybe lurking at the steps of a tiny motel across the street.
on the way home, i managed to get the car to 140mph. i really love driving fast … not sure why, but it’s very therapeutic to be moving that fast. the police don’t always agree, though. no run-ins with the law since i got 4 speeding tickets in a month, but for some reason i’m just not learning my lesson.
i realized while thinking back to my thoughts of that corner of Cass and Fisher Freeway that I tend to connect places with emotional experiences. not sure how common that is, but i’d like to know how to break myself of that habit.
the city looks good, all polished up and ready for the crowds. what i’m afraid of is after the crowds leave, the city will probably go back to being in more of a wreck than before. there’s a bad trend in complacency in keeping the city clean and police presence stable … maybe i’m wrong. hopefully i’ll be wrong and the city’s leadership will surprise me and put the revenue from the various major events to good use. detroit could be such a great city …
but i guess that’s enough writing for awhile.